When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes
and lay down to rest
I see your face
with a deep pain in my chest
I lay awake
and wonder why
So many questions
tormenting my thoughts

When I close my eyes
and remember precious moments
I can't understand
the underlying undercurrents
I am wounded
on a deeper sense
Without confidence
I enter despair

When I close my eyes
and shed my tears
I hold some hope
with very many fears
I am surrounded
and worrisome of what's to come
Holding on to something
I know is worth fighting for

December 2000

Unrest

I sit for hours at a time wondering...
not able to sleep my thoughts give me no rest.
In the darkness which supposedly leads to rest...
My thoughts are forever pondering.
I lay, wide awake hoping to ease into deep slumber...
Unsuccessfully I haven't done so for days!

My thoughts dance around in my head with worries of tomorrow...
The unknown leaves me uneasy and with little hope.
I sit for hours gazing into the night hopelessly searching for peace...
Unknowingly driving myself further away from solutions to my restless thoughts.
Sometimes, I think of things that troubled me from my past...
Unwillingly, I bow my head in shame and cry.

Why me? I try to make sense of it...
Still my thoughts are restless, reminding me of failures and shames.
My thoughts, they're what keep me awake...
Const ant reminders, full of guilt haunting me in my needed hours of sleep.
When my life, and am overcome with supreme sorrow.
Befuddled, I seek sweet release and comfort...
I write and write to soothe my soul, wishing for eternal peace.

Happiness, I've known for few moments , and try to cherish...
But they are so few that other thoughts overpower them.
Thus, I weep in solitude surrounded by darkness...
This is where I hide my biggest fears and darkest secrets.
I'll sit for hours without my rest...
Contemplating all the hurt that exists in my chest.

Memories are precious and good ones are few...
I hope the bad ones leave and I can actually sleep.
My thoughts keep me up at all hours of the night...
One day, my day will come when they can find
Peace within my mind...
Enabling me to engage in enjoyable slumber.

*December 1997*