Blockade

All who have set out
and have failed
Failed not their task
Nor failed themselves
But have set a temporary blockade

With this blockade brings frustration
and great shame
Shame that hides strength
With lack of belief
But has set a dillusional aspet of life

Without sense of wits
and sense of strife
One crumbles not by order
Nor by will
But by lack of determination

All who have determination
and shear will
Conquer not themselves
Nor their task
But have overcome the blockade that no longer exists

*January 1998*

Unrest

I sit for hours at a time wondering...
not able to sleep my thoughts give me no rest.
In the darkness which supposedly leads to rest...
My thoughts are forever pondering.
I lay, wide awake hoping to ease into deep slumber...
Unsuccessfully I haven't done so for days!

My thoughts dance around in my head with worries of tomorrow...
The unknown leaves me uneasy and with little hope.
I sit for hours gazing into the night hopelessly searching for peace...
Unknowingly driving myself further away from solutions to my restless thoughts.
Sometimes, I think of things that troubled me from my past...
Unwillingly, I bow my head in shame and cry.

Why me? I try to make sense of it...
Still my thoughts are restless, reminding me of failures and shames.
My thoughts, they're what keep me awake...
Const ant reminders, full of guilt haunting me in my needed hours of sleep.
When my life, and am overcome with supreme sorrow.
Befuddled, I seek sweet release and comfort...
I write and write to soothe my soul, wishing for eternal peace.

Happiness, I've known for few moments , and try to cherish...
But they are so few that other thoughts overpower them.
Thus, I weep in solitude surrounded by darkness...
This is where I hide my biggest fears and darkest secrets.
I'll sit for hours without my rest...
Contemplating all the hurt that exists in my chest.

Memories are precious and good ones are few...
I hope the bad ones leave and I can actually sleep.
My thoughts keep me up at all hours of the night...
One day, my day will come when they can find
Peace within my mind...
Enabling me to engage in enjoyable slumber.

*December 1997*

Inner Questionning

Where would my thoughts be
without concealed
emotions and feelings
to submit my inner peace and serenity
to someone, a complete stranger,
who will understand them?

A complete stranger...
it seems almost impossible to think of
the effort it would take to have someone
relish my thoughts and smile with
serene dignity and face my secrets.

The effort is somewhat anticipated
and conceivable to approve of such action
that is uncontrollably out of sync, out of sorts,
to the ideal of a person getting close,
reaching out to know the history of ones trepidations.

Such action would be misinterpreted
for a longing of wild sensations existing
between two chemically bound, ravishing
people who have long suppressed and
blocked out emotions related to touch.

Why suppress the need for touch
by an opposing view who can exude
such passion and leave me feeling
whole and wanted by another soul
exquisitely demonstrating coital enjoyment.

Thus comes conclusion of opposed views
and hardships suffered must surface
to honor courtship behaviors an salvage
my resolve to pursue further pleasures,
than only coital gestures, in affinity.

*July 1997*

Unresolved

When will it be my turn??
To love and be loved
To hold and be held
To comfort and be comforted

When will my time come??
To give and be received
To rejoyce and be accepted
To bear a child and be appreciated

When will my heart heal??
From sorrow and have happiness
From deceit and have trust
From lost love and gain wisdom

When will my soul rest??
From restlessness and have peace
From constraint and have freedom
From hopelessness and gain hope

When will my wounds be forgotten??
From pain to soothing
From anguish to conquered
From fear to victory

When will I suffer no longer??
In memories from the past
In punishment from guilt
In corruption from pressured innocence

When will I forgive myself??
For not being able to do anything
For not saying something
For not having the strength to put it behind me

When? When will I accept myself??
For what I've accomplished
For the strength and inner will to continue my journey
For who I am and for the wisdom acquired on the basis of past experiences

*June 1997*

Crying Release

I cry for hours at a time
Why?
I am not sure
Me emotions were so well kept,
locked inside not surfacing
But now...
I cry
Why do I cry?
I ask myself why?
The answer never comes.
Is it stress?
Perhaps
Is it love?
Maybe
Is it personal?
Definitely
Do you know why?
I haven't a clue
I cry and write to figure it out
But my train of thought is blocked right out.
I cry and cry
Not knowing why
My tears fall down in silent serenity
I am alone and I cry
Still I know not why
It comes out without warning
I cry alone in my corner unnoticed
Still I know not why I cry
As I sigh and breathe I cry with great ease.
Why do I cry?
I simply just need a release.

*April 1997*

Searching to Find

Searching to find one
I can call my own
Isn't a task quite as simple
As wounds permanently sewn

Searching to find one
I can call my mate
Isn't a task quite as simple
As tears shed by a date

Searching to find one
I can all my pet
Isn't a task quite as simple
As denied love that we fret

Searching to find one
I can call my sweet
Isn't a task quite as simple
As meetings made so discreet

Searching to find one
I can call my soul
Isn't a task quite as simple
As hearts broken beyond control

Searching to find one
Who is truly mine
Isn't a task simply because
Things come to those in time

*August 1996*

Untitled

Walking by a dark, sombre road
Fearing all that is bestowed
Looking past all assumptions
Hurting for past deceptions
Thinking of feelings lost in grief
Carrying these thoughts with disbelief
Being nothing in ones eye
Passing chances going by
Torturing souls that get too near
Delighting urges that they should fear

*March 1996*

tortured souls and minds cannot
describe pains that subside within the
hearts of fragile children playing
isolated from all harm brought
upon by evil souls that make us wary
of things foretold by those insightful
of such matters complicating life in
ways that make differences seem
so alike without clarifying subjects
that are forbidden by a simple
touch from deep within completing
tasks that fought to come out
saying words that hurt so much
creating unforgettable sorrows leaving
imprints within minds untouched and
unchanged even when brought
the chance to change past
events...

*February 1996*

Untitled

Love is known to some
but few
Respecting something quite
so true
Keeping all as once
we knew
Sorrows lost reaching out
for you

*February 1996*

Indecisive

Indecisive, we aren't free
Caught, between one, two, three
Mixed, feelings locked inside
Truths, unsaid that may hide
Blue, skies turn to gray
Unknowing, nights throughout the day

*January 1995*

Self-Destruction

What lies within is what should matter
Not how you look or how you dress
The way you feel about yourself
Can help with esteem and self-production
Comforts reassure you with tender care
When you're down knowing someone's near
Whom can confront fears that subside
Hiding feelings holding everything 'till the end
Exploding with exertion, frustration and enger
Knowing nothing more than self-destruction

*November 1995*

RE-entering, out of the blue, out of nowhere
Wanting, but, what? Don't know!
Asking, pleading, wondering, feeling
Emotions, re-entering mind, body & soul

*October 1995*

Darkness fills this empty soul
Without boundaries it's uncontrolled
Judgements brought upon things they wear
Staring with a cold and icy glare

*September 1995*

Mustard Truck

Cruising around in my mustard truck
'Round town, looking seeking, fro a place to hide
Where to go, wondering where this'll take me
Escaping in the midsts of the world, every day

Cruising around in this mustard truck
Fleeing all troubles from within to find true peace

Cruising the town in this mustard truck
True freedom, leading where I'm truly going
Power, this feeling that grows from inside
Miles away from all these worries that overtake me

Cruising the town in this mustard truck
People know it's me from miles around

Cruising again in this mustard truck
Night or day, indifferent is how I am
Keeping track of paths that pass me by
Seeing all the beauty as never seen through these eyes before

Cruising again in this mustard truck
Convinced, discovering all that was not possible nor there

Cruising silence in this mustard truck
Caring if only for a while, nothing special on my mind
These sites are for no-one else 'cept me
Lonely highways longer than the eye can see

Cruising, silent in my mustard truck
Worryless is how I am, enjoying life while I still can

*August 1995*

Desperation

Things misunderstood for what they are
Can be wounded and left with a scar
Misinterpreted gestures are made unseen
Of all the hopes of a single dream
Keeping things locked up inside
Of all the truths that want to hide
Simple words are hard to say
She wishes that they could stay
Nowhere to turn she fled
With troubling things left within her head
Seeing things that would make haste
A good mind that goes to waste
Paying dearly for her sin
Undying love from within
Paining feelings trouble her heart so much
Longing for this one and only touch
Out of happiness and all for lack of love
She hopes to be free as a dove
Knowing nothing more or any less 'til then
Will she stay in the darkness of the den
This spirit was meant to defend
What broken hearts shall mend

*1995*

Seeking Truths

Through all the misery and sorrow
We have to think of a brighter tomorrow
Clouds seem to hide the sun
Thinking they have truly won
Keeping secrets never to be told
Their worth is greater than any gold
A thing taken for granted is beauty
Knowing not what makes it our duty
Drawing nearer to this darkness
Seeking the truths we must confess
Hidden fears locked up inside
Unloving tears that have died
Bluest skies turn to grey
Unstopped fighting to this day
Unhappy thoughts from the heart
Kept deep within since the start

*1995*

Sadness

My life is dark and empty
meaningless and continues for no reason
It's a wave that no-one sees
It's the year going through lonely seasons

Friends I once knew to be very near
Have grown apart and left me
All the memories I hold very dear
I can no longer bear to see

No-one told me it would be like this
No-one even seemed to care
Sadness came and stole a kiss
with a cold and icy glare

The shadows closing in on me
cornering me till I feel small
The screams of pain and agony
unbearable through it all

Depression overcomes my soul
with deep and dark despair
No time to overcome my goal
No time to even care

Alone and in the way
is how I feel inside
They smile and tell me to stay
Not noticing the tears I cried

The feeling that no-one cared
rushed upon me like a misty night
I was no longer scared
I felt the time was right

My life was coming to an end
No-one would ever understand
how I felt deep within

When soon I'm dead and gone
They'll regret what they had done
When comes the light of dawn
For once I will have won

What I did I can not undo
The choice was only mine
When sadness completely possesses you
It's only a matter of time

*1992*

Distances

D'une distance elle le voit
Et elle retrace tous ses pas
Il est si beau elle se dit
Spécialement loqrsqu'il sourrit
Ses yeaux sont si beaux
Et aussi sa douce peau
Il est parfait dans sa manière
Tout semble être tellement claire
Assise très silencieusement
Sans montrer ses sentiments
Ses bras ouvert pleine d'amour
Viendra-t-il à son tour
Elle vie dans la tristesse
Et a besoin de la tendresse
Ses peurs sont toujours là
Elle ne les montre pas
Seule dans son petit coin
Elle le regarde de loin
Malcomprise elle s'enferme
Elle ressent beaucoup de peine
Ses yeux remplissent de larmes
Elle ne veut plus garder son calme
Il lui donne un beau sourrire
Ca lui fait beaucoup de plaisir
Elle voit toutes ses passions
Lorsqu'il joue cette chanson
Ils se rencontrent face à face
Et elle fige sur place
Son coeur bat plus fort
Elle veut avoir son corp
Elle retrouve son bonheur
Lorsqu'il lui offre une seule fleur
Il lui demande gentillement
Elle l'écoute patientement
Tout ceci est-ce vraie
Son coeur ressent sa paix
Seule elle nesera plus
Car elle l'a tant voulu
Sous son bras elle est bien
Elle sait qu'il est le sien
Bouleversés sont ses émotions
Il recevera tout son attention
Elle le traitait avec ignorance
Elle pensait pas avoir une chance
Ressentant plus le malheur
Elle a seulement le bonheur
Il a une manière avec ses mots
Lorsqu'il lui offre un petit cadeau
Elle est tellemtn contente finalement
Et ne peut pas décrire comment elle se sent
Ses yeux remplissent d'eau
Par la beauté de ses mots
Ce jour restera dans sa mémoire
Jusqu'à ce qu'ils se disent aurevoir

*1994/1995*

Lies

All the lies that have been said
have left an imprint in my head
All the secrets that have been told
have been said to another, uncontrolled
All the rumors that have been heard
have created lies with exaggerated word
All the agony that has been lived
has been left to die, forgiven
All the sadness that has been expressed
has been shut out and laid to rest
All the pain that has been felt
has been created or unfelt
All the sorrows that aren't meant to see
have been expressed for all but me

*1994/1995*

Through My Day

Sometimes I see it my way
yet, no time is the right time
to say how I'm feeling
Speak out and know that
someday that right guy is
taken with you this day
All that I'm feeling can
explain what I'm saying
to you through my day

*1994/1995*